i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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