Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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