Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
