i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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