me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
