im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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