I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
