don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
