I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
