I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
