You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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