I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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