I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
