I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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