Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
