I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
