All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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