After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
