I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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