and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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