Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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