just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
