I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
