my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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