Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
