Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
