pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
