I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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