12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
