TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
