Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
