She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
