I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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