Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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