just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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