I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
