i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
