I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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