I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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