just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
