he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
