just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
