Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We talked him into tasing himself.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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