After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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