I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
