Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
