I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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