Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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