dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
