No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
